I'm writing this post today because I feel like there are some very beautiful single mothers (or even not single, just mothers) in my life that are going through a hard time. Being a mom is tough enough, facing challenges while keeping a "happy face" can sometimes be nearly impossible. So here is what I want to say:
This past year and a half has been full of challenges for me and Addi. We moved out of my mom's house in January of 2010, I started my full time job at an accounting firm and Addi started pre-school near my work. We moved to Corona, which is not the nicest place, and commuted over 2 hours a day to get to work and school. Addi went through two DVD players and my car took such a beating I ended up with a new one half way through the year. In January of 2011 we moved a little closer to our new home in Laguna Hills. Now our drive is about ten minutes, but I work more hours and Addi has homework, so again it seems like we are always on the go.
I've watched myself change from a fun, outgoing, partying - tons of friends chick, to a yell, scream, cry, clean, cook and prepare tax returns kinda lady. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder how I got this way or who would want me now and here's the answer: Addison.
Life is hard, it's easier for some and even harder for others, I have been through a living hell with some of the experiences that have gotten me and Addi to where we are. I have felt lost, lonely, depressed, crazy, angry, irrate and even worthless at times. I have had some of my darkest moments trying to manage the hardships of being a single mom. When you plan something fun to do with your child after a long week of work and they complain and whine so much that it turns into a screaming match where you both loose and end up in tears... or when you finally get a little bit of extra money and it's time to buy yourself some new clothes becuase everything you own either doesn't fit your fat ass or has holes in it, then your daughter needs to register for school, or REALLY wants to be in sports class, or you have to pay a bill that someone else missed. Life is hard. So, sometimes I wonder why should I continue, why go on, what's the point, it's not getting better. Here's the answer: Addison.
You see, when I was 20 and partying way too hard, doing a million things I shouldn't, and failing out of school, not really giving a damn, I got what I thought was going to be the worst thing that could ever happen to me: a postivie pregnancy test. But really, she saved me. Because of her I've graduated from school, because of her I care more about everyone, because of her I'm who I am today. So inspite of how I've changed, or how my life didn't end up the way I thought, I was given a gift and no matter what I have to do to raise a her right and give her everything she could ever imagine in life I will.
For the first three years of her life all I could think about was how she needed a dad, she should have two parents, her father and I should make this work or I should find someone else. It was my focus. It effected my mood, my friendships, my relationships, my mothering. I have finally realized now that I am a single mother. My daughter has a mother that is strong enough to be both parents, I am strong enough that God sent me a beautiful daughter to raise knowing that I could do. God does not give us challenges we cannot bear. He would not have given me the sweet child I have if I could not be a mother and a father. I'm a single mom and it is ok. Why? Because I love Addison.
So, to my friends who are struggling you know who you are: STOP. Stop trying to change others, stop trying to find someone else to complete your family, stop trying to criticize everything you do, stop putting yourself down and stop wondering when your life will begin. You are a beautiful mother. You have beautiful children. God knows you are enough or this challenge would not be one you would have to bear. Fight for yourself, not for someone else. Fight to live. Live for your children. Forget about people that drag you down and STOP dragging yourself down. You are better than that. If you could stop and see yourself the way your children see you, you'd see the most incredible woman in the world. You'd see their mother. I love you, and I am always here. I have felt the pain you feel, and I will be with you through all your hard times and all the happy ones that are yet to come. And they will. I promise you they will.
